Ever-changing

Something I pride myself on is that I am not afraid of change. I mean, obviously I take time to adjust and certain changes are more uncomfortable than others, but I do not run scared. I constantly TRY to change for the better, because I know there is no such thing as perfection, and let's be honest: I started at the bottom. So now I'm trying to find the (physical..I already have the mental) motivation to enact some changes. I'm trying to figure out what my resources are so I can pull them together and use them. I have this sudden drive to succeed. For the first time in a very long time, I've also felt like I can succeed. I feel the ability/strength/will in me.

I have big plans for myself, for my life. And I'm actually really excited. I absolutely love my need for change, because I'm excited and motivated, and I'm not scared at all. Not even of failure. Because there is not such thing. Not in life. Life success is something you continually work for, not something you pass or fail at. Have I failed at individual tasks through life? Of course. Have I failed at living? Certainly not, and I don't plan to.

I have more to say on this and other subjects, all related to changes I am making, but I prefer not to give away everything at once.

Normalcy

Normalcy is not for me. I'm just not good at it. I only hope it won't get in the way of the things I hope to accomplish. I don't want to blend in, it just doesn't appeal to me. It's not exactly that I want to be famous, or be stared at or anything like that, I just hate being everyone else. This is not how I've always been, it's something I've grown to realize. I remember when I was younger, I used to try so hard to be just like everyone else. I was never very good at it, and it made it even harder to make friends when I was little. I used to always try to like what my classmates liked and wear what they wore and whatnot, hoping it would make life a little easier. They never bought the act and I was never very good at it. A fantastic liar who can't even pretend to be normal. Anyway, I've at least come to terms with that and learned to not want to be normal, but I still wonder if it messes things up for me. What if that interferes with the life I want for myself?

Basically, right now I'm in school and I feel like I'm starting to fail again because I've been sick for over a week and didn't make it to class for so long. I really hope I can make this up and at least pass my classes. Hopefully I can see a counselor soon and we can talk about what I want and where I'm going and how to get there. I don't know, but I'm worried, I'm nervous, I'm downright scared.

Can't find the words...

It is an odd experience to look back through one's past...especially from their own perspective at the time. Maybe I'm alone on this one, but when I look back, I see it through my eyes now, not then. So looking back at how I felt then is always strange. I find it's a very quick and obvious way to see how much I've changed. I worry that I don't write as much as I used to and then another year or two from now I won't have the same insight I can now.

Actually, what worries me even more is that I barely write at all anymore. In general. No poetry, that used to flow so easily. I haven't even added to my book in weeks. I suppose that's to be expected when one isn't depressed anymore, but it was always that one talent of mine. I never felt particularly good at anything else, and now that's gone, too....

An Abundance of Thoughts

I have way too much to say tonight. I probably won't be able to organize all of it, but that's probably not necessary anyway. I have been thinking too much, writing too much, discussing too much, and reading too much. What I have been reading, if you are wondering, is a few things: the Tao Te Ching, Kurt Vonnegut's Timequake, and, of all things, the Holy Bible (NIV). Now needless to say, the first and last books in that list greatly conflict with each other, but that is really the point of my study. They are similar in that I can only take them in small doses, but this is for different reasons. As for as the Tao Te Ching goes, each passage takes a vast amount of brain power to read and re-read and attempt to comprehend. As for the Bible, well, I just get annoyed with it after too long. It is far too nonsensical and contradictory. I have many enjoyable works of fiction that make far more sense and have consistent stories. However, I am not here to critique some old book. Moving on....Timequake is just a brilliant work by one of my favorite authors and is often humorous, and oddly thought-provoking. I like to think Vonnegut did this on purpose.

Anyhow, I had forgotten how very much I loved the Tao Te Ching. Many of the passages (after multiple readings and time to really contemplate their meaning) make sense to me, they click with me. With my life changing so much at once, I believe this rediscovery will be very good for me. I feel like I'm in the middle of discovering myself in a way I couldn't have if I hadn't made that change moving to Utah for a while, if I hadn't lived such a different life for a while. I let myself be a free spirit, the way I need to be, and I went with the flow, trying not to stress or struggle with life. I allowed my restlessness to steer me. I drank too much, I slept too much, I was irresponsible. I didn't even have to drive myself anywhere because I couldn't drive my car. I learned to worry about things just as much as needed, I learned to not overthink so much. I learned to only give the concern each situation warranted. I learned to not be so closed off to people, while still keeping a distance for my own comfort. I realize that home wasn't necessarily bad for me, I just needed to learn to be away from home, I needed the experiences waiting for me two states away. I needed every strange and catastrophic event. I needed every summer storm and every drunken night. I needed the summer with that family, those friends. And I have come home better for it.

I am going back to school in a week, and instead of dreading it, I am excited. I look forward to learning. I look forward to new people. I look forward to being a college student. I look forward to having a life. Before I left home, I didn't really have a life, just an occasional illusion. I have my own life and I am my own person, and I'm so looking forward to it.

Memory

There is someone I have missed a great deal lately, and I wish I knew how to deal with it. Someone takes their own life and it's even more impossible to grieve than it already was. Why did he have to go? Why didn't I get to say goodbye? Why didn't anybody?

Death fascinates me.

Here I am. I am moved and getting used to life in a new state. It's incredibly surreal. Tonight, I'm missing my little sister. I've always felt like she's my own daughter. It's so strange not seeing her every day. Not waking up to the sounds of her laughter, her playing, even her crying. I even miss that heartbreaking cry. What is it about a baby that can give the heartless someone to love? Give the lonely company. How do they do that? No matter the mood, she could make me smile. When she would cry, she would reach for me and I could make her laugh. There is no laugh as beautiful as the laugh of my little Ariadne. I haven't heard her laugh in days.

The worst part? It makes me need my best friend. My Lovely. Someone who's hundreds of miles away.

Life in general

So, it has been a while for me. Life has been so hectic. I've been doing nothing but packing to move to Utah and really get this started. My best friend and sister will be here in a mere 6 days, at which time we will put the finishing touches on my room, have one last day to enjoy the bay, and then on the 28th we will load ourselves into my car and make our way to [a suburb of] SLC. It should only take about 10 hours, considering we'll be switching off driving duties and only stopping for the essentials. We'll be arriving on a Thursday evening, following which we will have a nice weekend before she goes to Oregon with her family. While they're gone (for about a week) I will be hanging out with her friends and looking for a job. I'll also be going to Pride in SLC, which I'm obscenely excited about. After all this time trying to get comfortable with my sexuality, I will finally be in an environment where I can be completely myself. I mean, I'm pretty "out" already, but there I don't have to tone it down for the family. I don't have to worry about hearing that my mother will never get grand kids or that I'll never get married. I feel like who I am is suppressed here. I can't be pierced and loud. I have to hide my sexuality, which is a huge part of me. My mother still thinks I have never been with anyone. Oblivious to a 2-year relationship. Oblivious to every relationship.

I'm rambling now. There was actually another point to this entry: Religion.

I discuss religion quite often, as I feel it is a huge part of my life. Lately, it has helped me a lot through everything, and on a daily basis helps me keep a hold on who I really am. My problem is this: lately I come across a lot of very passionate Christians who play the victim, are willfully ignorant, and put on a holier-than-thou attitude. I will always accept people no matter their race, religion, sexuality, gender identity, etc. Always. The problem is, I fear I am forming a negative opinion about an entire group because I keep coming across these types. I worry that I am becoming wary of all Christians because of those I continue to come across with negative attitudes. I hate being that person. I don't like making judgements about people right away unless it's an energy I feel coming from them, as that's something I've learned to trust in over the years.

To be honest, I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I suppose I'll be back with more on the subject eventually.