I have never really had a home. I've never much felt at home. My entire life has just been a lot of moving around and always feeling like something was missing. Something has always been missing. There's never been any place I actually wanted to stay. Nowhere I would sit and think and know that I was where I should be. My entire life, people have come and gone. Nothing is ever solid in my life.
Well now I know what's solid. I know where I belong, and I know who is going to stick around. I know who my family is. There is a group of people waiting to accept me with open arms who still embraced me this weekend with all the love they did way back when, before I was this crazy messed up girl.
It is such an amazing feeling. So few are lucky enough to know what home really is, what home really means.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Goodbyes
I have been thinking a lot about goodbyes. I've had a lot of them in my life recently. From the day I got out of the hospital, to the approaching goodbyes to my home (friends, family, etc).
This thought process started specifically with recovery. It all started in the hospital. I will never forget the people I met in there. Nor will I likely ever see them again. My life, however, wouldn't be the same without them. Tracey, sweetest woman I think I've ever met. I don't know why she was there and I don't want to know. She was just so sweet. Obviously doing so much better. Robert, of course. He was a terribly sweet guy. All I wanted to do half the time was hug him, but that wasn't allowed or anything. There were others, and they will all stick out in my mind for many many years to come. I wouldn't be surprised if my roommate was the last thing I end up holding on to as my memory fades in old age. I only wish I had connected with her sooner.
Then there was IOP. Connections made in IOP are like nothing you'll ever experience. You're all in there, talking, experiencing the same feelings. You watch each other have good days and bad days, you watch each other improve. You discuss things you've never told anyone before, and never will again outside of those walls. You connect with people on a completely new level in IOP, and nothing can ever duplicate that.
This of course brings me to the actual goodbyes. In the hospital, it's tough to get a proper goodbye. Everyone's really preoccupied with themselves, no one notices you're gone until dinner or even evening check-in. It's nothing especially upsetting, just a little sad when you realize how much you miss everyone, even if they were only in your life for a week. When I left IOP, I felt a little jipped in my goodbyes. I didn't really build any lasting friendships, just these strange intense acquaintances? Such a strange phenomenon. I haven't spoken with anyone from IOP in a very long time. Last week, I said goodbye to my CBT group. They had all also wandered into my life in an uncommon way. We all bonded over depression, anger, and the inability to take care of ourselves. Then I had to say goodbye. Everyone wished me the best of luck, and I wondered when I'd see any of them again.
Next week, I am saying goodbye to my DBT group and my therapist. It will be bittersweet. I know I'll be okay without them, but I will still miss them. All of them.
Of course as my therapist says, these things can stir up all kinds of past issues, so I'm also going over in my mind all the other goodbyes I've never really been able to complete. Everything I miss and everything I didn't get closure on. The worst part is probably just that I never will. But I have to be okay with that.
A new chapter in my life is starting, and I wouldn't be here without everything behind me. However, I cannot start on this new adventure without letting go of everything before it. I know I can, and I know I'll be okay.
This thought process started specifically with recovery. It all started in the hospital. I will never forget the people I met in there. Nor will I likely ever see them again. My life, however, wouldn't be the same without them. Tracey, sweetest woman I think I've ever met. I don't know why she was there and I don't want to know. She was just so sweet. Obviously doing so much better. Robert, of course. He was a terribly sweet guy. All I wanted to do half the time was hug him, but that wasn't allowed or anything. There were others, and they will all stick out in my mind for many many years to come. I wouldn't be surprised if my roommate was the last thing I end up holding on to as my memory fades in old age. I only wish I had connected with her sooner.
Then there was IOP. Connections made in IOP are like nothing you'll ever experience. You're all in there, talking, experiencing the same feelings. You watch each other have good days and bad days, you watch each other improve. You discuss things you've never told anyone before, and never will again outside of those walls. You connect with people on a completely new level in IOP, and nothing can ever duplicate that.
This of course brings me to the actual goodbyes. In the hospital, it's tough to get a proper goodbye. Everyone's really preoccupied with themselves, no one notices you're gone until dinner or even evening check-in. It's nothing especially upsetting, just a little sad when you realize how much you miss everyone, even if they were only in your life for a week. When I left IOP, I felt a little jipped in my goodbyes. I didn't really build any lasting friendships, just these strange intense acquaintances? Such a strange phenomenon. I haven't spoken with anyone from IOP in a very long time. Last week, I said goodbye to my CBT group. They had all also wandered into my life in an uncommon way. We all bonded over depression, anger, and the inability to take care of ourselves. Then I had to say goodbye. Everyone wished me the best of luck, and I wondered when I'd see any of them again.
Next week, I am saying goodbye to my DBT group and my therapist. It will be bittersweet. I know I'll be okay without them, but I will still miss them. All of them.
Of course as my therapist says, these things can stir up all kinds of past issues, so I'm also going over in my mind all the other goodbyes I've never really been able to complete. Everything I miss and everything I didn't get closure on. The worst part is probably just that I never will. But I have to be okay with that.
A new chapter in my life is starting, and I wouldn't be here without everything behind me. However, I cannot start on this new adventure without letting go of everything before it. I know I can, and I know I'll be okay.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Letting Go
So much on my mind. First and foremost, I'm trying so hard to get writing again. I realized that I just have to set the pen on the page and write until sometimes happens. Maybe I'll end up with a ridiculous paragraph, maybe I'll end up with a brilliant story. I just have to try. It's not about success or failure, it's about trying. Letting go of that has been a huge help. It's finally happening. I'm finally writing again. There is no better feeling.
I've also been thinking a lot about relationships. In general. My relationships. Past, present, and future. I've been thinking about what I contribute, and what I need in return. Who's best suited for me and who is poisonous for me. It can be difficult because I naturally try to please people. I'm a giver. I've always had awful self-esteem. I've stayed in a lot of bad situations because I've wanted to keep the other person happy. Sometimes, you just have to look after yourself. With my nature, I have to surround myself with people who appreciate how much I give and who give back accordingly. From here on out, I accept nothing less.
I trust the Universe will bring to me what I need.
I've also been thinking a lot about relationships. In general. My relationships. Past, present, and future. I've been thinking about what I contribute, and what I need in return. Who's best suited for me and who is poisonous for me. It can be difficult because I naturally try to please people. I'm a giver. I've always had awful self-esteem. I've stayed in a lot of bad situations because I've wanted to keep the other person happy. Sometimes, you just have to look after yourself. With my nature, I have to surround myself with people who appreciate how much I give and who give back accordingly. From here on out, I accept nothing less.
I trust the Universe will bring to me what I need.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Giving Up
What takes people to the point where they give up?
I don't understand it. I don't get how it happens. I don't understand how my sister can be so strong. I love her so much.
I can't wait to be in Utah.
I don't understand it. I don't get how it happens. I don't understand how my sister can be so strong. I love her so much.
I can't wait to be in Utah.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Chaos
I've been wondering lately why I'm so chaotic. It doesn't work out logically at all, of course. I mean...aren't humans supposed to shy away from chaos? I used to just think I craved dysfunction because of my upbringing, but it's not like that. It's more than that. It's actual chaos. When I go for the bad boy/girl, it's not to fix them, it's so I can live it with them. I always have to be doing something a little crazy. My mind always goes a million miles a minute. Of course I wonder about it all day and NOW when I finally get to really write about it I can't find any of the words...
I mean...I actually happen to believe that naturally things are in order. They may turn to chaos or seem chaotic, but essentially the universe needs balance and order. For some reason, however, I am a living example to the contrary! Now how my behaviors managed to be the exact opposite of my beliefs, I don't know. The point is, I want to get to the bottom of my chaos. Really understand it. I just want to...get it...I want to understand. In theory I want to stop it, but....sometimes it's just entertaining.
I mean...I actually happen to believe that naturally things are in order. They may turn to chaos or seem chaotic, but essentially the universe needs balance and order. For some reason, however, I am a living example to the contrary! Now how my behaviors managed to be the exact opposite of my beliefs, I don't know. The point is, I want to get to the bottom of my chaos. Really understand it. I just want to...get it...I want to understand. In theory I want to stop it, but....sometimes it's just entertaining.
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