An Abundance of Thoughts

I have way too much to say tonight. I probably won't be able to organize all of it, but that's probably not necessary anyway. I have been thinking too much, writing too much, discussing too much, and reading too much. What I have been reading, if you are wondering, is a few things: the Tao Te Ching, Kurt Vonnegut's Timequake, and, of all things, the Holy Bible (NIV). Now needless to say, the first and last books in that list greatly conflict with each other, but that is really the point of my study. They are similar in that I can only take them in small doses, but this is for different reasons. As for as the Tao Te Ching goes, each passage takes a vast amount of brain power to read and re-read and attempt to comprehend. As for the Bible, well, I just get annoyed with it after too long. It is far too nonsensical and contradictory. I have many enjoyable works of fiction that make far more sense and have consistent stories. However, I am not here to critique some old book. Moving on....Timequake is just a brilliant work by one of my favorite authors and is often humorous, and oddly thought-provoking. I like to think Vonnegut did this on purpose.

Anyhow, I had forgotten how very much I loved the Tao Te Ching. Many of the passages (after multiple readings and time to really contemplate their meaning) make sense to me, they click with me. With my life changing so much at once, I believe this rediscovery will be very good for me. I feel like I'm in the middle of discovering myself in a way I couldn't have if I hadn't made that change moving to Utah for a while, if I hadn't lived such a different life for a while. I let myself be a free spirit, the way I need to be, and I went with the flow, trying not to stress or struggle with life. I allowed my restlessness to steer me. I drank too much, I slept too much, I was irresponsible. I didn't even have to drive myself anywhere because I couldn't drive my car. I learned to worry about things just as much as needed, I learned to not overthink so much. I learned to only give the concern each situation warranted. I learned to not be so closed off to people, while still keeping a distance for my own comfort. I realize that home wasn't necessarily bad for me, I just needed to learn to be away from home, I needed the experiences waiting for me two states away. I needed every strange and catastrophic event. I needed every summer storm and every drunken night. I needed the summer with that family, those friends. And I have come home better for it.

I am going back to school in a week, and instead of dreading it, I am excited. I look forward to learning. I look forward to new people. I look forward to being a college student. I look forward to having a life. Before I left home, I didn't really have a life, just an occasional illusion. I have my own life and I am my own person, and I'm so looking forward to it.

Memory

There is someone I have missed a great deal lately, and I wish I knew how to deal with it. Someone takes their own life and it's even more impossible to grieve than it already was. Why did he have to go? Why didn't I get to say goodbye? Why didn't anybody?

Death fascinates me.