Ever-changing

Something I pride myself on is that I am not afraid of change. I mean, obviously I take time to adjust and certain changes are more uncomfortable than others, but I do not run scared. I constantly TRY to change for the better, because I know there is no such thing as perfection, and let's be honest: I started at the bottom. So now I'm trying to find the (physical..I already have the mental) motivation to enact some changes. I'm trying to figure out what my resources are so I can pull them together and use them. I have this sudden drive to succeed. For the first time in a very long time, I've also felt like I can succeed. I feel the ability/strength/will in me.

I have big plans for myself, for my life. And I'm actually really excited. I absolutely love my need for change, because I'm excited and motivated, and I'm not scared at all. Not even of failure. Because there is not such thing. Not in life. Life success is something you continually work for, not something you pass or fail at. Have I failed at individual tasks through life? Of course. Have I failed at living? Certainly not, and I don't plan to.

I have more to say on this and other subjects, all related to changes I am making, but I prefer not to give away everything at once.

Normalcy

Normalcy is not for me. I'm just not good at it. I only hope it won't get in the way of the things I hope to accomplish. I don't want to blend in, it just doesn't appeal to me. It's not exactly that I want to be famous, or be stared at or anything like that, I just hate being everyone else. This is not how I've always been, it's something I've grown to realize. I remember when I was younger, I used to try so hard to be just like everyone else. I was never very good at it, and it made it even harder to make friends when I was little. I used to always try to like what my classmates liked and wear what they wore and whatnot, hoping it would make life a little easier. They never bought the act and I was never very good at it. A fantastic liar who can't even pretend to be normal. Anyway, I've at least come to terms with that and learned to not want to be normal, but I still wonder if it messes things up for me. What if that interferes with the life I want for myself?

Basically, right now I'm in school and I feel like I'm starting to fail again because I've been sick for over a week and didn't make it to class for so long. I really hope I can make this up and at least pass my classes. Hopefully I can see a counselor soon and we can talk about what I want and where I'm going and how to get there. I don't know, but I'm worried, I'm nervous, I'm downright scared.

Can't find the words...

It is an odd experience to look back through one's past...especially from their own perspective at the time. Maybe I'm alone on this one, but when I look back, I see it through my eyes now, not then. So looking back at how I felt then is always strange. I find it's a very quick and obvious way to see how much I've changed. I worry that I don't write as much as I used to and then another year or two from now I won't have the same insight I can now.

Actually, what worries me even more is that I barely write at all anymore. In general. No poetry, that used to flow so easily. I haven't even added to my book in weeks. I suppose that's to be expected when one isn't depressed anymore, but it was always that one talent of mine. I never felt particularly good at anything else, and now that's gone, too....