Possibility

I've been thinking about so much recently. Things very much beyond myself. I find myself with a theory on everything, and I'm always anxious to share. I feel like I'm talking everyone's ears off. I've been participating heavily in philosophical and spiritual conversations. There's been a lot of talk of love and possibility and whatnot.

At this point, I have a lot of options stretched out in front of me. I only hope I'll make the right choices and end up where I should be.

Clogged

I am so nervous. I feel like a complete wreck. I'm worried about my health. Physically. I've spend all this time so worried about the depression, and now I've got all of these other issues. What is it about the universe that causes such a negative pile up? Maybe I'm clogged. I should see about some energy work, some cleansing.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

The point is I'm trying to get moving. I'm trying to push through. I've got a month before the move.

Restlessness

I'm experiencing such a strong feeling of restlessness. I want to do something, but I'm not sure of what. I want to write, but I don't know what to say. I want to go somewhere, but I don't know where I would go. I haven't been sleeping much, my thoughts have been all over the place, and I've been pretty tired. My body would appear to be revolting against me. I'm waiting for something to happen, but I'm not really sure what. Always waiting for something...

I guess the point is to make things happen. That's what I want my life to be about, anyway. I want to make things happen. I don't want to sit around and watch my entire life. I'm not sure what the cause was for this disconnection, much less the restlessness.

I don't think I'm making sense anymore.

Revisited

I have a habit of getting stuck on music. Songs, albums, or even a single artist's entire discography. It doesn't matter if it's something I only first heard yesterday, or something I've had for 10 years. I'm always revisiting music. Especially things I grew up with, things that have strong memories for me.

It's important to mention that most strong memories I have stored are negative. This leads me to a habit I have of constantly being drawn to things that I dislike or are bad for me. This ranges from the simplest of things, like listening to songs that annoy me, to bigger things, like staying in destructive relationships. I'm not sure what exactly is behind it. Maybe it's some sick subconscious ploy to prove to myself (and others?) that I can handle it. Maybe it's low self-esteem, I can't tell how low my self-esteem is anymore, I just know it's a lot better than it once was. Maybe it's simple masochism. It's entirely possible I simply enjoy being tortured. It's a well-known fact that I enjoy physical pain, maybe I enjoy the emotional disturbances, also. Lord knows (good) writers are generally miserable people.

I suppose I'll eventually figure out what my problem is, exactly. Until then I can only speculate and attempt at some semblance of normalcy. Maybe I just need to find a different community. Surround myself with people who think more like I do. Who knows.

Prologue

During my stay in the hospital, it occurred to me. Life comes in doses. In the hospital, the day is broken up by med distribution and meals. That is your day. Now, outside, I realize life everywhere is much the same. I wake up, have breakfast, and take my morning meds. I don't have mid-morning, noon, and afternoon meds anymore. I still have evening and nighttime meds. The time in between is still well scheduled, however. One has to work, run errands, eat, etc. On a larger scale, we have weeks...one will say they've had a good week or a bad week...it's the same with months and even years. Bad times, those are just the bad doses...that's your nasty cough syrup, the Zoloft you hate admitting you take, or the Ritalin you can't seem to shake. The good times, that's the Nyquil so you can sleep well, the Depakote that keeps you sane, the multivitamin that keeps you strong. It's all just doses. It's all bound to happen, and it's all bound to pass.

So that's my life. That's where I am and where I'm coming from. I'm about to embark on one of the biggest journeys a person ever goes on: the one to adulthood. In the upcoming months I'll be preparing to start a career and move away, I'll be putting an entire state between myself and my parents, in fact. This chapter is ending and a new one is coming in the story of my life.

And this time, I'll have it written down.