Goodbyes

I have been thinking a lot about goodbyes. I've had a lot of them in my life recently. From the day I got out of the hospital, to the approaching goodbyes to my home (friends, family, etc).

This thought process started specifically with recovery. It all started in the hospital. I will never forget the people I met in there. Nor will I likely ever see them again. My life, however, wouldn't be the same without them. Tracey, sweetest woman I think I've ever met. I don't know why she was there and I don't want to know. She was just so sweet. Obviously doing so much better. Robert, of course. He was a terribly sweet guy. All I wanted to do half the time was hug him, but that wasn't allowed or anything. There were others, and they will all stick out in my mind for many many years to come. I wouldn't be surprised if my roommate was the last thing I end up holding on to as my memory fades in old age. I only wish I had connected with her sooner.
Then there was IOP. Connections made in IOP are like nothing you'll ever experience. You're all in there, talking, experiencing the same feelings. You watch each other have good days and bad days, you watch each other improve. You discuss things you've never told anyone before, and never will again outside of those walls. You connect with people on a completely new level in IOP, and nothing can ever duplicate that.
This of course brings me to the actual goodbyes. In the hospital, it's tough to get a proper goodbye. Everyone's really preoccupied with themselves, no one notices you're gone until dinner or even evening check-in. It's nothing especially upsetting, just a little sad when you realize how much you miss everyone, even if they were only in your life for a week. When I left IOP, I felt a little jipped in my goodbyes. I didn't really build any lasting friendships, just these strange intense acquaintances? Such a strange phenomenon. I haven't spoken with anyone from IOP in a very long time. Last week, I said goodbye to my CBT group. They had all also wandered into my life in an uncommon way. We all bonded over depression, anger, and the inability to take care of ourselves. Then I had to say goodbye. Everyone wished me the best of luck, and I wondered when I'd see any of them again.
Next week, I am saying goodbye to my DBT group and my therapist. It will be bittersweet. I know I'll be okay without them, but I will still miss them. All of them.

Of course as my therapist says, these things can stir up all kinds of past issues, so I'm also going over in my mind all the other goodbyes I've never really been able to complete. Everything I miss and everything I didn't get closure on. The worst part is probably just that I never will. But I have to be okay with that.

A new chapter in my life is starting, and I wouldn't be here without everything behind me. However, I cannot start on this new adventure without letting go of everything before it. I know I can, and I know I'll be okay.