Chaos

I've been wondering lately why I'm so chaotic. It doesn't work out logically at all, of course. I mean...aren't humans supposed to shy away from chaos? I used to just think I craved dysfunction because of my upbringing, but it's not like that. It's more than that. It's actual chaos. When I go for the bad boy/girl, it's not to fix them, it's so I can live it with them. I always have to be doing something a little crazy. My mind always goes a million miles a minute. Of course I wonder about it all day and NOW when I finally get to really write about it I can't find any of the words...

I mean...I actually happen to believe that naturally things are in order. They may turn to chaos or seem chaotic, but essentially the universe needs balance and order. For some reason, however, I am a living example to the contrary! Now how my behaviors managed to be the exact opposite of my beliefs, I don't know. The point is, I want to get to the bottom of my chaos. Really understand it. I just want to...get it...I want to understand. In theory I want to stop it, but....sometimes it's just entertaining.