Revisited

I have a habit of getting stuck on music. Songs, albums, or even a single artist's entire discography. It doesn't matter if it's something I only first heard yesterday, or something I've had for 10 years. I'm always revisiting music. Especially things I grew up with, things that have strong memories for me.

It's important to mention that most strong memories I have stored are negative. This leads me to a habit I have of constantly being drawn to things that I dislike or are bad for me. This ranges from the simplest of things, like listening to songs that annoy me, to bigger things, like staying in destructive relationships. I'm not sure what exactly is behind it. Maybe it's some sick subconscious ploy to prove to myself (and others?) that I can handle it. Maybe it's low self-esteem, I can't tell how low my self-esteem is anymore, I just know it's a lot better than it once was. Maybe it's simple masochism. It's entirely possible I simply enjoy being tortured. It's a well-known fact that I enjoy physical pain, maybe I enjoy the emotional disturbances, also. Lord knows (good) writers are generally miserable people.

I suppose I'll eventually figure out what my problem is, exactly. Until then I can only speculate and attempt at some semblance of normalcy. Maybe I just need to find a different community. Surround myself with people who think more like I do. Who knows.