So it goes...

What am I to do with all this silence?

I am writing because I need to. Not because I have anything to write about, not because there's something I'm just dying to get out, but because I don't know how to really write anymore. No matter what I do for inspiration it is just gone. Words don't flow out of me like they used to. I am no longer a poet, and I am barely a writer. The things that used to inspire me have no affect. Self improvement...fantastic...but now what? What am I to do with this horrible stop in the flow? What am I supposed to do about this inability to write anything I can be proud of? Hopefully, I can just keep writing and I will see it return. Maybe some of what I come up with will make it's way here. Sadly, nothing I've done very recently is worthy of anything past the trash can. Here's hoping.

Growing.

I try to work on so many different things at once, and it never quite works out. I feel so scattered and restless lately. I dance my days away, and I wish I were on stage, but do I ever do anything about that desire? Of course not. On the bright side, however, I am certainly doing something about my desire to become a nurse. In the last few weeks it has occurred to me that my next goal is to really stick to something. I am going to stick to school. I am going to break down that wall I always hit. It is going to happen, and I will reach my goals. Now, I'm not exactly sure how to make it happen, but I plan on working pretty damn hard to figure it out.

In other news, I'm finally liking who I am. I would like to continue on this path and just get better and better. I'm becoming even more calm, more tolerant, and mentally a lot stronger. It happens so gradually, but it is so worth it.

Ever-changing

Something I pride myself on is that I am not afraid of change. I mean, obviously I take time to adjust and certain changes are more uncomfortable than others, but I do not run scared. I constantly TRY to change for the better, because I know there is no such thing as perfection, and let's be honest: I started at the bottom. So now I'm trying to find the (physical..I already have the mental) motivation to enact some changes. I'm trying to figure out what my resources are so I can pull them together and use them. I have this sudden drive to succeed. For the first time in a very long time, I've also felt like I can succeed. I feel the ability/strength/will in me.

I have big plans for myself, for my life. And I'm actually really excited. I absolutely love my need for change, because I'm excited and motivated, and I'm not scared at all. Not even of failure. Because there is not such thing. Not in life. Life success is something you continually work for, not something you pass or fail at. Have I failed at individual tasks through life? Of course. Have I failed at living? Certainly not, and I don't plan to.

I have more to say on this and other subjects, all related to changes I am making, but I prefer not to give away everything at once.

Normalcy

Normalcy is not for me. I'm just not good at it. I only hope it won't get in the way of the things I hope to accomplish. I don't want to blend in, it just doesn't appeal to me. It's not exactly that I want to be famous, or be stared at or anything like that, I just hate being everyone else. This is not how I've always been, it's something I've grown to realize. I remember when I was younger, I used to try so hard to be just like everyone else. I was never very good at it, and it made it even harder to make friends when I was little. I used to always try to like what my classmates liked and wear what they wore and whatnot, hoping it would make life a little easier. They never bought the act and I was never very good at it. A fantastic liar who can't even pretend to be normal. Anyway, I've at least come to terms with that and learned to not want to be normal, but I still wonder if it messes things up for me. What if that interferes with the life I want for myself?

Basically, right now I'm in school and I feel like I'm starting to fail again because I've been sick for over a week and didn't make it to class for so long. I really hope I can make this up and at least pass my classes. Hopefully I can see a counselor soon and we can talk about what I want and where I'm going and how to get there. I don't know, but I'm worried, I'm nervous, I'm downright scared.

Can't find the words...

It is an odd experience to look back through one's past...especially from their own perspective at the time. Maybe I'm alone on this one, but when I look back, I see it through my eyes now, not then. So looking back at how I felt then is always strange. I find it's a very quick and obvious way to see how much I've changed. I worry that I don't write as much as I used to and then another year or two from now I won't have the same insight I can now.

Actually, what worries me even more is that I barely write at all anymore. In general. No poetry, that used to flow so easily. I haven't even added to my book in weeks. I suppose that's to be expected when one isn't depressed anymore, but it was always that one talent of mine. I never felt particularly good at anything else, and now that's gone, too....

An Abundance of Thoughts

I have way too much to say tonight. I probably won't be able to organize all of it, but that's probably not necessary anyway. I have been thinking too much, writing too much, discussing too much, and reading too much. What I have been reading, if you are wondering, is a few things: the Tao Te Ching, Kurt Vonnegut's Timequake, and, of all things, the Holy Bible (NIV). Now needless to say, the first and last books in that list greatly conflict with each other, but that is really the point of my study. They are similar in that I can only take them in small doses, but this is for different reasons. As for as the Tao Te Ching goes, each passage takes a vast amount of brain power to read and re-read and attempt to comprehend. As for the Bible, well, I just get annoyed with it after too long. It is far too nonsensical and contradictory. I have many enjoyable works of fiction that make far more sense and have consistent stories. However, I am not here to critique some old book. Moving on....Timequake is just a brilliant work by one of my favorite authors and is often humorous, and oddly thought-provoking. I like to think Vonnegut did this on purpose.

Anyhow, I had forgotten how very much I loved the Tao Te Ching. Many of the passages (after multiple readings and time to really contemplate their meaning) make sense to me, they click with me. With my life changing so much at once, I believe this rediscovery will be very good for me. I feel like I'm in the middle of discovering myself in a way I couldn't have if I hadn't made that change moving to Utah for a while, if I hadn't lived such a different life for a while. I let myself be a free spirit, the way I need to be, and I went with the flow, trying not to stress or struggle with life. I allowed my restlessness to steer me. I drank too much, I slept too much, I was irresponsible. I didn't even have to drive myself anywhere because I couldn't drive my car. I learned to worry about things just as much as needed, I learned to not overthink so much. I learned to only give the concern each situation warranted. I learned to not be so closed off to people, while still keeping a distance for my own comfort. I realize that home wasn't necessarily bad for me, I just needed to learn to be away from home, I needed the experiences waiting for me two states away. I needed every strange and catastrophic event. I needed every summer storm and every drunken night. I needed the summer with that family, those friends. And I have come home better for it.

I am going back to school in a week, and instead of dreading it, I am excited. I look forward to learning. I look forward to new people. I look forward to being a college student. I look forward to having a life. Before I left home, I didn't really have a life, just an occasional illusion. I have my own life and I am my own person, and I'm so looking forward to it.

Memory

There is someone I have missed a great deal lately, and I wish I knew how to deal with it. Someone takes their own life and it's even more impossible to grieve than it already was. Why did he have to go? Why didn't I get to say goodbye? Why didn't anybody?

Death fascinates me.